'I feel like I can take on the world' – On Trans Day of Visibility, here's how a new year's resolution to live authentically changed one trans woman's life
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Chances are, the vast majority of us have made new year's resolutions at some point in our lives.
Sometimes we will resolve to take up a new hobby, or lose weight, or tidy the house. A lot of the time, they are broken pretty quickly – more quickly than we would like to admit.
When Jamielynn Lawson made the resolution to live as her true self, though, that was not one that was going to fall by the wayside.
Splitting her childhood between Turriff and Aberdeen, travelling all over as part of the military – where it was prohibited to be LGBT+ until 2000 – and then returning to the north of Scotland, working between Aberdeen, Elgin and Inverness, it was a far cry from the years of repression Lawson had put herself through.
Signs were there from a young age that she was trans. Unfortunately, it took until the last 18 months for her to fully embrace that.
"I realised there was something wrong with me when I was seven years old," Lawson recalled.
"I was having a few drinks with a very good friend I had met through the LGBT+ groups in Moray and Inverness, talking about the first time I knew, and I remembered an incident when I was in primary school.
"I made a remark in front of my headteacher: 'why don't boys get to wear pretty dresses like girls?' She skelped me so hard, and then put her finger in my face and said boys are not supposed to speak like that, boys are supposed to grow up to be men, never say anything like that again.
"I said sorry, and ever since then it has been repressed. It has been buried so deep, I kept it so hidden.
"When I joined the military, it didn't matter if you had two Victoria Crosses and had saved the life of the Queen – if they found out you were LGBT+, you were out, gone, dishonourably discharged.
"That was what I grew up with in the 80s and 90s. There was all the different slang people have heard a million times, and I joined in but I hated it. It felt so wrong, I did that whole toxic masculinity thing and I almost felt like I had to do it more to overcompensate.
"I started to secretly transition about seven years ago, but it was during Covid that I finally said I wasn't keeping it a secret any more. Life is too short – I've risked being shot at, stabbed, beaten to death, I've got so far here and I'm killing myself with depression and alcohol just because I was scared.
"I decided to stop this pretence. I wouldn't be scared anymore, I would embrace it and live my authentic life. I came out at the end of 2021, and come January 2022 my new year's resolution was to be me."
Long-awaited relief
It is understandable that significant frustration built up inside of Lawson while hiding for so long, in at times such dangerous circumstances.
For many others, that kind of suppression has proven lethal. In the past, there were situations where Lawson reacted – or overreacted – aggressively, but it is a mark of how much transitioning has changed things that she feels like a completely different person now.
Even when faced with abuse, Lawson's cooler head will prevail. To an extent, that is out of necessity – as any sort of confrontation would only serve as an example of what critics of trans people say.
"It took me a long time to come to terms with what I was, and what I felt inside," she explained.
"When a situation arose, I always used to be the first to step in and say 'right, who wants it then?' Coming out was life-changing, that's the only way I can describe it.
"I feel happier, more content. I feel like I can take on the world when I have to. I've been living full time as a woman for just over a year now, and it feels natural, it really does.
"The person I used to be was scared and angry a lot. I'm not him any more – I left him lying down on the bed and said 'it's okay sweetheart, I've got this now, you don't have to do anything'.
"We just have to accept that if other people can't accept me for me, that's their problem. I feel much more comfortable now, I'm able to understand people much better, I'm more empathetic, and I can engage with people in a much more positive way.
"I still get misgendered all the time, but I just correct them and usually they apologise and it's okay. It's a challenge, but for the most part I realise it's not malicious.
Related reading: Why one trans woman says her life in the Highlands is a fortunate one
"Media coverage is really hard for me to deal with right now. We need to be on our best behaviour, because if we react to these conversations people have about us then we become the embodiment of what they perceive us to be.
"We are being targeted. You can't slag off gay people, ethnic minorities, you can't be anti-Semitic or anti-Muslin, but for some reason it's okay to target vegans, and it's okay to target trans women.
"We have to turn the other cheek in a way. It is saying 'you can hate me if you want, but you don't get to stand in the way of my progress'."
Moving forward – one step (in heels) at a time
Many people experience something of an overcompensation after coming out. Having hidden away for a long time, they want to throw themselves fully into LGBT+ culture, and it is not uncommon for rainbows to take over.
For Lawson, the relatively short period since coming out has been full of learning, which is also one of the key elements of international Trans Day of Visibility.
It is about celebrating trans success and joy, and raising awareness of the challenges still faced by trans people around the world.
Lawson certainly hopes that the future will be a brighter one for trans people, but some have not been as weighty – like learning how to walk in heels.
"The last year and-a-half has been a very steep learning curve, but it goes back further than that, to the last two decades," she added.
"I've tried to learn everything that I can – but learning how to walk in heels in a living room is way easier than taking them out on to a main street.
"I've always got earrings and a necklace, that's how I am now. I've always got a rainbow badge or a trans badge, there's always something to identify me as something other than a bloke with long hair.
"To me, Trans Day of Visibility means hope. Hope for the future, hope that I won't have to live my life the way that many of us have had to live for the last 40, 50, 60, 200 years.
"I just want us to be accepted in everyday society. I don't want us to be talking points or targets, I don't want us to be perceived as threats. We should be able to go into environments without feeling awkward, shame or discomfort.
"If I ever get the chance to speak to JK Rowling, my first words to her would be 'I'm not who you think I am'. I don't dislike her in general, but when she spreads fear she makes a lot of other people hate us.
"It just takes one minute of conversation to realise I am no threat. I will stand by your side for your rights just as I'll stand for mine. I'm not a threat, and I don't want to be perceived as a threat, so I'm always very careful about where I go, who I interact with and how I interact with them.
"I know things will get better. They are getting better, but it is small steps, and we just have to take each one forward to get where we're going."
